How is it that such a tiny little person has turned my life so completely upside-down?
I used to fit into all the clothes in my closet. I used to have all my kids potty trained. I used to have an organized work and babysitting schedule. I used to get enough sleep at night. I used to be able to take a sleep aid and sleep even better. I used to take 15 minute showers at my leisure.
I used to have a perfect balance of anti-depressant and anxiety medications. I used to have an appetite. I used to enjoy playing with my kids and reading them stories. I used to feel loving and familiar toward my kids. I used to feel like I was in control of my life.
Now only half my clothes fit. Now I have a newborn using half a dozen diapers a day and a Samuel who's new nickname is Mr. Pottypants. Now I have a kindergartener and an infant and have to figure out a work schedule and daycare schedule all over again. And in the mean time, I'm not making any money at all. Now I am always tired and grouchy. I only get to take power showers and teaser naps, and I only sleep in three hour increments, if I'm lucky. Now I have to start over on finding a combination of antidepressants that is effective. Consequently, I don't enjoy food and my kids are always disappointed that I don't feel like playing with them. Now my kids are giants and strangers to me. I feel impatience and frustration toward them instead of love, and I feel like I have to reinvent my relationship with them. In fact, I can't remember feeling loving toward anyone or anything, not to mention feeling like laughing or smiling. I feel anxious that I have no control over my house and my children and my life.
Whereas I used to have life pretty much figured out, now I am starting completely from scratch.
11 months ago