Then and Now

How is it that such a tiny little person has turned my life so completely upside-down?

I used to fit into all the clothes in my closet. I used to have all my kids potty trained. I used to have an organized work and babysitting schedule. I used to get enough sleep at night. I used to be able to take a sleep aid and sleep even better. I used to take 15 minute showers at my leisure.
I used to have a perfect balance of anti-depressant and anxiety medications. I used to have an appetite. I used to enjoy playing with my kids and reading them stories. I used to feel loving and familiar toward my kids. I used to feel like I was in control of my life.

Now only half my clothes fit. Now I have a newborn using half a dozen diapers a day and a Samuel who's new nickname is Mr. Pottypants. Now I have a kindergartener and an infant and have to figure out a work schedule and daycare schedule all over again. And in the mean time, I'm not making any money at all. Now I am always tired and grouchy. I only get to take power showers and teaser naps, and I only sleep in three hour increments, if I'm lucky. Now I have to start over on finding a combination of antidepressants that is effective. Consequently, I don't enjoy food and my kids are always disappointed that I don't feel like playing with them. Now my kids are giants and strangers to me. I feel impatience and frustration toward them instead of love, and I feel like I have to reinvent my relationship with them. In fact, I can't remember feeling loving toward anyone or anything, not to mention feeling like laughing or smiling. I feel anxious that I have no control over my house and my children and my life.

Whereas I used to have life pretty much figured out, now I am starting completely from scratch.

Roller Coaster

This week I was part SuperMom, and part SuperGrouch. SuperMom is cheerful and on the ball, gets out the door on time, goes on walks, plays with her kids, and stays on top of the dishes and laundry. SuperGrouch is tired, grumpy, emotional, impatient, ingores the dishes and the laundry, makes frozen pizza for dinner, and yells at her 3 and 5 year old.

This week I cleaned out and scrubbed the fridge...
But I also impaled my three year old with a shopping cart and had his eyebrow glued back together. (What is it with my kids and shopping carts?) It turns out I could have saved myself a copay and fixed his face with neosporin and a bandaid.

This week I took my kids for a long walk and play at the park...
But at the park Leah got a bug bite on her foot and it was swollen and red and hot for 2 days.

This week we had a family outing to Farm Country at Thanksgiving Point and had a blast and brought a picnic lunch and didn't buy any fast food at all...
But Samuel got a puffy itchy face from petting all the animals and on the way home we had to stop at Babies 'R Us and get a new carseat for Audrey because the one we bought last month was DEFECTIVE and already BROKE!

This week I vacuumed the carpet...
But its already dirty again.

This week I took the kids to story time at the Library...
But story time is on hiatus in May and we have overdue books and the kids have susequently been watching their Library movies for three days straight.

I feed the baby a dozen times a day...
But when she doesn't poop for 2 days, she is very fussy and that makes me very fussy.

Momnesia

I think I lost brain cells giving birth.

This week I have said the following stupid things:

• I can't remember lunch.


• Where did I put the baby?


• Go left. I mean right. Which way is right?


• Was he naked when you got here?


• Did I pee today?

Audrey's First Week

Audrey is now 9 days old, and my mom is leaving today--the nerve! Mom has done wonderfully taking care of us--she has successfully proved herself and will have her Grandma License renewed in full for another year. She has done the yardwork, the laundry, the cooking, the dishes, the breakfast shift, the mending, the window washing, and so much more. I have been able to get naps when I needed it. It has been so nice to have her here. Tomorrow Chris will go to work for 10 hours and I will be the one in charge of all of us! That will be interesting...

The first couple days were impossibly exhausting for me, having had a physically demanding delivery and being expected to feed a hungry baby constantly with...nothing! for 3 days.

Now that the pump works, Audrey is a wonderful baby. She is an excellent nurser, although she thinks that if she is awake, she needs to also be eating. Otherwise she wants to be asleep--we took her with us on some errands to get her to have some awake time, afraid that if she were to sleep all day it would consequently result in being awake all night. She slept completely through all of her public appearances! The store, the baby carrier, the carseat, the park...she slept through it all. I am teaching her from the start that I will not be a human pacifier and that I intend to get sleep at night, thank you very much. When fully fed, she will sleep for 3-4 hours at a time in the night, which is delightful. Should I worry that it won't last? What if I become accustomed to four hour sleep segments, only to have my baby suddenly revert back to nocturnal again? Ahhh!

Audrey has already projectile pooped on me, resulting in a wardrobe change for the both of us. That was gross. And after nursing, she promptly falls into a delirious, drunken partial sleep in which her eyes flutter, she spontaneously smiles, and she drools milk. Priceless.

Having a baby in the Spring has been a dramatic and much needed contrast from my first two winter babies. I have been able to get out of the house--it has been so nice to get sunlight, go on a walk, sit in the grass, not having to worry about wind and snow and bundling up in layers. And I want to get out of the house! Knowing that I am predisposed to depression has also prepared me better--I know what I can handle and what I can't; when to say yes and when to say no; what will help me feel human and what will make me want to hide in a dark cave. (Trying to avoid the urge to hide in a cave this time around...) Even so, with my well-behaved kids and my peaceful baby, and my supportive husband and my mom here to help, I am still exhausted--my entire body hurts and my emotional core is particularly tender. But that's just part of the package.

Here are some photo highlights of Audrey's first week on Earth.

What I got for Mother's Day

This!

Meet Audrey Margaret! Born: May 6, 2011.
7 lbs 10 oz, 20 inches.

Chris, my awesome nurse Allie, and Flavia de Luce kept me company all day. Labor and delivery seemed eternal and were exhausting, with Audrey to blame for coming out face first. Ouch. (for me, not her.) It was especially hard to be nauseated the whole time. I threw up no less than four times in the process.

Narcotics don't seem to agree with me, so I was up all night itching instead of sleeping, doing things like vowing never again to eat orange jello, looking up Audrey Hepburn movies I need to watch, and researching the famous people that share a birthday with my baby girl. Notables include Sigmund Freud, Orson Welles, and George Clooney. In case you wanted to know.

Grandma is hard at work cutting the big kids' hair, washing dishes, and truly earning her grandma license, and she's only been here a matter of hours. Now time for me to get some sleep.

Waiting

Soon. Baby Sister will be here soon. We had a family photo op this morning. Chris thinks I look good in my maternal roundness. I'm glad someone thinks so.