Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Then and Now

How is it that such a tiny little person has turned my life so completely upside-down?

I used to fit into all the clothes in my closet. I used to have all my kids potty trained. I used to have an organized work and babysitting schedule. I used to get enough sleep at night. I used to be able to take a sleep aid and sleep even better. I used to take 15 minute showers at my leisure.
I used to have a perfect balance of anti-depressant and anxiety medications. I used to have an appetite. I used to enjoy playing with my kids and reading them stories. I used to feel loving and familiar toward my kids. I used to feel like I was in control of my life.

Now only half my clothes fit. Now I have a newborn using half a dozen diapers a day and a Samuel who's new nickname is Mr. Pottypants. Now I have a kindergartener and an infant and have to figure out a work schedule and daycare schedule all over again. And in the mean time, I'm not making any money at all. Now I am always tired and grouchy. I only get to take power showers and teaser naps, and I only sleep in three hour increments, if I'm lucky. Now I have to start over on finding a combination of antidepressants that is effective. Consequently, I don't enjoy food and my kids are always disappointed that I don't feel like playing with them. Now my kids are giants and strangers to me. I feel impatience and frustration toward them instead of love, and I feel like I have to reinvent my relationship with them. In fact, I can't remember feeling loving toward anyone or anything, not to mention feeling like laughing or smiling. I feel anxious that I have no control over my house and my children and my life.

Whereas I used to have life pretty much figured out, now I am starting completely from scratch.

3 comments:

Lisa M said...

Hang in there! Many are thinking, praying, and pulling for you! Even those on the other side.

angela michelle said...

Sounds rough. But I know you'll get it all worked out again. Don't expect too much from yourself during this newborn time. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

Jamie J Stansfield said...

ugh! That totally bites having to start over again! I am worried about that happening to me too. My meds are AMAZING and working wonders right now but I SO UNDERSTAND all the feelings that you have! I love you and next week I am taking two of your three kids for at LEAST a day if not two or three I am serious!