Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Then and Now

How is it that such a tiny little person has turned my life so completely upside-down?

I used to fit into all the clothes in my closet. I used to have all my kids potty trained. I used to have an organized work and babysitting schedule. I used to get enough sleep at night. I used to be able to take a sleep aid and sleep even better. I used to take 15 minute showers at my leisure.
I used to have a perfect balance of anti-depressant and anxiety medications. I used to have an appetite. I used to enjoy playing with my kids and reading them stories. I used to feel loving and familiar toward my kids. I used to feel like I was in control of my life.

Now only half my clothes fit. Now I have a newborn using half a dozen diapers a day and a Samuel who's new nickname is Mr. Pottypants. Now I have a kindergartener and an infant and have to figure out a work schedule and daycare schedule all over again. And in the mean time, I'm not making any money at all. Now I am always tired and grouchy. I only get to take power showers and teaser naps, and I only sleep in three hour increments, if I'm lucky. Now I have to start over on finding a combination of antidepressants that is effective. Consequently, I don't enjoy food and my kids are always disappointed that I don't feel like playing with them. Now my kids are giants and strangers to me. I feel impatience and frustration toward them instead of love, and I feel like I have to reinvent my relationship with them. In fact, I can't remember feeling loving toward anyone or anything, not to mention feeling like laughing or smiling. I feel anxious that I have no control over my house and my children and my life.

Whereas I used to have life pretty much figured out, now I am starting completely from scratch.

3 comments:

Lisa M said...

Hang in there! Many are thinking, praying, and pulling for you! Even those on the other side.

angela michelle said...

Sounds rough. But I know you'll get it all worked out again. Don't expect too much from yourself during this newborn time. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

Thom and Jamie Stansfield said...

ugh! That totally bites having to start over again! I am worried about that happening to me too. My meds are AMAZING and working wonders right now but I SO UNDERSTAND all the feelings that you have! I love you and next week I am taking two of your three kids for at LEAST a day if not two or three I am serious!